Becoming self-aware?

Mindfulness without meditation?

I’ve had a couple experiences in the last month that suggest I’m actually getting my shit together. These are obviously the result of increased mindfulness on my part—paying attention to my thoughts in the moment. And yet, my daily meditation practice would be best described as “anything but.”

It shows up simply enough, most often when I least expect it, too.

I’ll be fuming mad about something and think, “I *want* to be angry right now. Just a few more minutes.” And then I get back to living.

Most recently, I found myself standing on the side the interstate in the middle of nowhere. The sun was setting, and my weekend camping plans were canceled because the new engine we’d installed just five days prior had apparently blown a seal. I found myself with the usual doubts.

“This is it. I’m done with cars.”

“If I’m not interested in cars anymore, that’s probably the end of GBXM, too.”

“WTF am I going to do, then? WTF am going to do now?”

“This stupid hobby is as damaging as it is beneficial.”

The weekend prior, when we built and installed that engine, SNAFUs like this pushed our timeline into almost triple overtime. It was awful. But I wasn’t the least bit upset. I saw the disappointments, but I simply chose to focus on solutions over sadness.

And here I was, stranded on the side of the road, contemplating the end of perhaps the most significant aspect of my life beyond my immediate family—and I was evaluating the situation dispassionately.

“We’ll get it to the shop in the morning, pull the engine, replace the rear main seal, and this will all be done and behind me within 24 hours.”

At 1AM, adding a gallon of oil to Fezzik under the streetlight after the tow truck finally dropped me off, “Ugh. I am so tired. This is bullshit, but we’ll fix it tomorrow. It’s gonna suck, doing this all over again out in the sun this time, especially on less than five hours’ sleep—but we’ll get it done and I’ll be home in time for dinner.”

I was home by 3PM.

And since I didn’t make the camping trip, I actually felt like I had an extra day that weekend.

Not bad.

Not sure what all this means, but whatever it is, I like it.

A Norman Rockwell kinda evening

Sometimes things go surprisingly well for a change…

Picked up P from school. She was bent she would miss playground time. Until I told her I needed her help taking care of Mommy, who didn’t feel well.

She sat on the center armrest, hugging me the entire way home. (Hey. It’s only a couple quiet, residential blocks. And it’s our little secret. Shhh.) Switched into Nurse P mode the minute she walked through the door. Aw.

After work, I caught a desperately needed haircut and beard trim at The Spot, where I’ve come to understand why guys hang out in barber shops when they’re not getting haircuts. before driving 11 miles across town for my weekly T and B shots.

Stopped at QT for some egg nog, the annual half gallon, on the way home. Where I discovered V and P hung Xmas decos, singing Xmas carols the whole time.

I had my leftover mac & cheese dinner. We all got into jammies and watched Adventure Time before getting to bed right on time.

Just felt kinda Rockwell for once.