Parent Things: Pee-Pee Diarrheastein Poopypants, Esquire

From the Perks of Parenting Department; They’re all dad jokes, okay?

Peer pressure sucks. We do stupid shit because of peer pressure. To include not laughing at stuff that’s funny because we want to be cool and fit in. Ugh.

I recently discovered one of the lesser mentioned perks of being a parent—you get to laugh at stupid, funny shit that a lot of people would consider beneath them.

Case in point, Captain Underpants’ arch nemesis, Professor Pee-Pee Diarrheastein Poopypants, Esquire.

When she (P, my kid) laughs, it makes me laugh.

And you know what? Pee-Pee Diarrheastein Poopypants, Esquire, is damn funny.

If you haven’t watched Captain Underpants on Netflix yet, it’s a good time.

Parent Things: A day without a diaper

Five years, two months, two weeks.

If you’ve ever wondered how long you could be dealing with diapers if you have a kid, I’d say this is a conservative number.

We could have been more aggressive about it, but we could have washed a lot of sheets, too. She’s yet to wet the bed.

Fingers crossed, but this is a major accomplishment.

Congrats kid.

One day all your friends have kids

If you’ve got kids, you’ll understand.

When you have a baby, you start noticing how little time you spend with your friends who don’t have kids. Maybe they’re considerate and don’t invite you to that concert during the week because they don’t want to put you on the spot. Maybe you politely pass on the Friday night pub crawl because, even if you could get a babysitter, hangovers with toddlers are a nightmare.

You can’t help but resent that. They still get to have all the fun. You don’t.

Next thing you know, you’re standing in a backyard eating a slice of pizza, watching a small army of screaming 5-year olds in a giant, castle-shaped bounce house at a birthday party. Looking around, you realize you know at least a third of the people at this thing.

And you’ve got another birthday party next weekend.

And you’re setting up a play date the weekend after.

And, oh shit. One day you wake up and all your friends have kids.

So THAT’S how it happens.